Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Lessons

I am taking classes
important lessons
to understand
how
to manage
with negativity

How to let it go
not to keep inside
hear it out
and let it fly
somewhere
far away
from us

Much to learn
to practice
more...

Thank you, my dear teachers,
my family


Wednesday, November 25, 2015

again

I just sit here
and think
that I should do
so many thing
but
I keep
sitting

in fact,
I have
so many plans
how to
stop sitting
but
I keep
sitting

This is
really
lame

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

No light

Yesterday
I saw a man
drinking beer
in the metro

He sat next to me
but I said nothing

And everyone else
did nothing too.

I did not like myself
in this situation
that I
was distancing
myself
from him
and from everyone
else.

I started to look around
and saw
that there was no light
in anyone's eyes.
Everyone was just as
turned inside.
Looking but not seeing.
Being here but somewhere else.
Just like myself.

I did not like it.

I did not see any smiles
during these 20min.
Instead
when I happened
to look at someone
they fast
turned away.

Only the drunk guy
was slow to turn
and I saw all the
sadness and dullness
in his eyes.

Strangely enough
I did not think:
what an unattractive man
instead
I thought
what if my son
will also be the same
in 20 years..
Without curiosity towards life
without energy
without happiness
without love.

I wish I could know
how to insure
so that
it would never
happen to him.

But
it is November.
and I am really working hard
to be able
to smile.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Sweets

Eating sweets
sweets
sweets.
Candies,
cakes,
sweet fruits,
more candies,
cakes,
sweet fruits.

I am addicted
although
I feel
It does not do much good
to eat
sweets
so much
as

the more I eat
the more tired I am
and the more
I want to
eat
sweets.

Endless circle.
How can I get out?

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Dancing in the rain

This autumn
has been rainy.
Not the weather
but the situations
happenings
surroundings
of my spirit.

I have been wet
and cold
and tired

Still,
I have discovered
that although
sometimes
I feel
really down

There is
some music
and rhythm
and joy
that comes
from deep inside
me
that makes me
dance
dance
dance
and let the
rain
pour
off.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

I messed you up

I feel so often
handicapped
with words

I want to say something
but comes out
something else
or

I thought I said something
but realize
it sounded different
only
when I hear
you
telling me
the same thing
similar thing

How horrible!
How could I be so careless
and harmful.

I thought
I was just honest.
But
in fact
it hurts!

It is so difficult
to be honest
but caring
at the same time.

Why?
Why is it so
difficult?

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

No problems, challenges

It is a big thing
the right wording
of one or other thing

It makes a big difference
if I say
'I have a problem'
or
I say
'I have a challenge'

The latter one
contains
much more
hope
that
there is also
a solution
it will be solved
and I can
actively
do something
about it!

Monday, October 19, 2015

Tonight is for quarrel

He is coming home
after a week
of work-trip.

A week
it is not long time
and he has accomplished
a lot
Enough
it was
a successful week

For me
it was not
a bad week neither
Did many things
Spent time
with kids.
Ordinary
Some problems
to solve
But all in all
it was fun

But I know
tonight
we will have
a fight.

I will get upset
I will be cranky
I will be moody
I will be pouting

It just happens
every time
he gets home
from some longer trips

It just is
like that

And tomorrow
everything is fine
again.


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Collapse

Mood is in waves
some day
superhappy
other day
down, down, down
cranky with surroundings
cranky with myself
and just
feels like
crying
crying crying

The latter helps
just cry
and then
have a good sleep
so that
the next day
is at least
a tiny bit
better
if not
all cheerful
and superhappy.

So it goes
sometimes



Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Smooth

Finally
there are already
few days
full of
good news!

Everything is going
smoothly
well
according to plan
and even better.

Just need to
suck it in
and enjoy
as much
as possible!

Yeah!

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Ma söön oma stressi ära, kui see pole mitte...

Ausalt öeldes pole mul õrna aimugi, mis see
"see" olema peaks, et ma oma stressi
ära ei sööks.
Muutkui söön ja söön.
Andke juurde!
Eriti hea on midagi rasvast.
Ja siis veel veidi magusat sinna vahele.
Mmmmm.

Kõik ei ole ju halvasti,
katsu olla rahulik,
mu mõistus ütleb.
Aga keha ütleb:
"Süüa ja magada!"
Viimase rikub ära jälle mõistus,
mis muutkui ketrab ja ketrab
neid mõtteid, mitmesuguseid.

Kui oskaks vaid korjata kokku
selle valu ja rahutuse,
pettumused ja mured,
ka raevu ja viha.
Sulgeda ümbrikusse ja
saata ilma adressaadita teele.
Las nad siis rändavad
kuni väsivad.
Ja siis hääbuvad
uhkes üksinduses
nagu ikka hääbutakse.

Ma üldse ei jaksa enam
neid lõbustada ja
neile tegevusi välja mõelda
ning nende pättuseid heastada.
Aitab küll!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Feelings

What you feel about others
does not say anything
about them

It only reflects
YOU

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Bizarre

You contact me: 
- Hi! How is it going? Long time since we last saw. I am coming to your town. Would it be possible to see you and maybe you could offer accommodation if I decide to stay longer. 
Me:
- So nice to hear from you! How is it going for you? Would be really nice to see and host you. 
You:
- Ok. Then I would probable use it. Where do you live? Do I need to take sleeping bags or something? Btw, I am coming with a friend, I hope it is ok. 
Me:
- You know, I can not promise 100% that I can host you. We are having difficult times in the family now (I would not like to explain it). Who is this friend that you are bringing? For sure, you would not need sleeping-bags with us. 
You:
- Ok, there are other places to stay in Helsinki too. But would like to meet you, if possible. I have had colorful life and the friend is my new special boy-friend. 
Me: 
-You really seem to have a nice life. I am happy for you.We live in M. I am free from and need to leave in the morning at 8.45. Would be nice to host you, but still, can not promise as the life is really stressy because of various thing (some I explain). 
You:
-Ok, I can look around for other places.
Me (later) : 
- I hope you found accommodation. I really feel that I would not be a very good host. Really stressy recently.
You:
- The other places are not concrete jet. We'll try to find something fast. I promise, we would not be loud and make no stupidities. 
Me: 
- Hmm, of course you could come if you can't find anything else. But He might come home this night too and would rather not have anybody here. 

And then you call in the evening when I am already preparing to  get the kids asleep: 
- What is your address we could arrive in an hour. 
Me:
-Eees, so you did not find any other accommodation?
You:
- Ou, is it ok if we come, all the other places did not work out.
Me:
- But my husband is also arriving tonight and I promised him that he can just be and relax at home finally without any people he does not know.
You.
- Ou, butyou know I do nto need much. You do not have to social with us and we do not take much space. 
Me:
- You know it is not about that. It is about being anf feeling free and relaxed at home with familiar things and people. He does not even know you. 
But it is already late and as you do not have anywhere else to go. Of course, you can stay here. The address is A5.
You:
- Ok, we just come and sleep. You do not need to worry about us. 

While they come I get kids to sleep and thinking even happily that I can go and pick M up from the airport as there will be someone home with sleeping kids. 

They come. With happy cheerful mood although got a fine in the metro. I think it is nice that they came, it is nice to hear some laughter. I offer them some tea and bred to eat and go to get M from the airport. When we come back they have been eating. 

M takes some beer but as we do not have more int he cold we offer whiskey to the guests. Bottles stay on the table. 

We talk, they talk. We all laugh a bit. 

Wiskey is being poured more. And then more, and more. It is not us, who pours. It is them. He starts insulting a bit. Not much but still. Then, slightly after 1am I decide that I need to sleep now. Walk the dog, clean the table. The others also agree - sleeping time. 

We all go. I massage M and talk to him for some time before being able to sleep. 

In the morning wake up as usual. Get kids ready and we go.

There is no sign of them - still sleeping. Ok, let them sleep, it was rather long night. Ont he way to town I tell that they can just leave the house - the door will close itself. And not make noise as M needs to still sleep. 

20min after I left M sends me message that they are playing piano. I try to call but their phone is off. 

Get hold to them 1,5h later wisheing good morning and asking if they left the house. No, they are still there. They thank for the stay. Ask me if I am coming back home - no, I am working in town. I tell, again, that they can just leave as the doors closes itself. And not wake up M. 

2h later calls Mike who is walking the dog. They are still here. He had been waiting for them to leave before waking up but they never did. He had offered them coffee. They seems to be drinking but maybe it is just apple juice. 
I get furious.
I promise to come home and see what is going on. It takes me 40min to go. I leave the library. 

Mike calls again when I am already int he metro. We agree that he checks if they really are drinking and if so, he will kick them out. And I do not need to come. 

He calls me back. They are gone now. They had been drinking about 0.5 liters of whiskey this morning. M does not have cheap whiskeys and they are his favorites. So, maybe for about 50EUR. And probable some of their own beers too. Drinking, drinking and never thinking to leave. 

I am furious.

I call you to tell that you are not welcome to my house anymore. I do not wish to hear anything from you again. I do not respect you anymore as you did not respect any of my hospitality. 
You just say it is embarrassing and you are sorry.
No, it is not embarrassing, it is just disrespectful. I do not accept anyone to behave like this with me.

Being a bit calmed down.. 
I am sorry that your new special person is irresponsible alcoholic. I am sorry that you saw where we keep our boos. Sorry, to offer it to you and your friend. Sorry, that you are so weak person that you let these kind of manipulators in your life. Yees, he seemed nice in the beginning but he was drunk all the time!
I am sorry, but I am not able to deal with you kind of persons right now. You have to find your own way out. In fact, I have seen you like this before - it seems to be a great part of your life to deal with these, alcoholics, manipulators. I do not need it in my life. I do not want it. I will just walk away. We used to be friends but I know and feel that I can not show you the way out. You have to find it yourself.



Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I am sorry

Does it say anything
about a person
and the way he lived
how are his last days
in this life.

I have always thought that
dying should be
somehow dignifying
summary of
the existence.

Especially when you have time
to still be alive
and slowly go
think about
what have been done
solving the undone thoughts
looking into the eyes
of your loved ones
and making peace
with them
and yourself.

Still
does it say
anything
when the one person
that should be
the closest the most caring
is instead
manipulating with you
the last days
of your life
and making you do
embarrassing things.

Does it say
that your life was
put up on manipulations
and lies
without love
or caring
....
or it is just bad luck
that she does
these mean things
at this fragile times
and anything
for not
letting you go
in peace..
Maybe it is her way
to accept
by being
so evil
towards
you

I am sorry

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

To let go

I want to know
what happens tomorrow
I want to know it
every day
Looking forward to the next mornings
days
evenings
nights
Looking forward to the next moments
Enjoying the present ones
I love life!
I love everything
that is around me
inside me
It is so much fun
so interesting
so many things to discover
and learn
I want to learn
and grow
every moment
every day.

So difficult
to magine
what does it mean
thet you have
only some short time
left

How is it possible
to let go?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Captain of the ship

Bring it on, baby!
Whatever is going on with you,
whatever is bothering you
whatever...
just talk to me, baby.
I will listen.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

August is November

Hmm
Here are the hotest summer days
but it feels like autumn
I wear long sleeves
Although I swet
But I does not feel
anything like summer

Maybe
Because I was reading a book
about old age and loneliness
and how cancer kills
slowly...

Or maybe
Because I am thinking
every day
about someone
who is right now
dying of cancer
slowly
at his home
lonely
although with people.

Autumn
is a time to think
about what is important
and who are important
and to look
into myself
to see how much
happiness I have
although
much sadness
and decay
around.

August
is autumn
for a change.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Friendship

I meet a friend
we talk
I TALK
I talk about my everyday
about whatever concerns
thoughts
details of my days
plans
gossip other people

It is nice

When we apart
I start thinking
what about her
how is she doing?
I did not get to know...

What a good friend
I am!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Resources

I like the idea
that mothers
are like glue that
keeps a family
together
and
some kind of
gray
background
that exists
but is not always
noticed or
recognised.

That is why
I do not mind
when they cry themselves
out
on me
or use me,
even abuse..
Because I know
and feel
how much love
there is behind
despite
all.

I just
take some deep breaths
and go on
huging
and kissing
and trying
my best.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Fungi

Uh
This is so annoying
and bothering me
already more than 6 months.
Different treatments
even diet
helps only
for a short period
then again
and again
and again...

Now I try once more
a treatment
takes up to 6 days
but should be
carried out
even longer...

uh.

And he is laughing
when I go to the store
and bring back
bananas
cucumber
carrots -
everything
long and
smooth...

uh

sick of it!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Bad mood

No
no enthusiasm
no ideas
no action
no wish
to do
anything.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

No memory

Tonight
I have no memory
I can not make
a difference
what did I say
what did I think
what did I do
Confusion
What is reality
and
what is
just
in my mind.

Disturbing
Very disturbing

I forget
my thoughts
and actions
in 5 or 10 minutes

Lucky
I still managed to make
some food
and even
have visitors

But this
made it
even more
annoying
for me.

What was reality
or what was
just in my mind.

Or
I know that
there was something
in my mind
or maybe
even said out loud
but what was it
I can not recall.

Strange feeling.
Annoying feeling.

I blame coffee
and tomorrow
I will drink no sip of it!!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

24h does not go

Recently
I cannot feel
the balance and connection
in 24h rhythm.

Some days I need to
sleep much more
and others 4h is enough

as well
with eating
I can not take this
breakfast-lunch-dinner!
I need to eat the whole day
Or the whole first half of the day
And then
I can be without
for a day
or so.

And working
some days
I can accomplish
a lot of writing
others
I can not even
open the file.

I cannot take this rhythm
Or just
I need some other.
Still to be
figured out
if there is
any periodical system
in my basic needs...


Thursday, May 28, 2015

Rules

I think up some rules
that I want to follow.
Just to get things done.
That when I am at the library, I WORK
and do not do other things.
And when I am with kids
I AM with kids
and do not do other things
And when it is night-time.
I SLEEP
and do not do other things.
And so on.

But more rules I make
the more
I do OTHER THINGS
instead
of being
sufficient
and focused
on the aims
I wan to follow.

Uh.
So many distractions.
I hate
and still like
for some reason.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Misbehave

I do not like
when I tell
to someone
that
- I do not appreciate
how
you are behaving with me
and
the answer is
- but he/she and so many other people
do similar things
to me.

This is no excuse.

Rather
try to CHANGE
this stupid pattern

and be nice
to the people
who trust you,
depend on you
and make agreements
with you.

And when something goes wrong unintentionally
just say
- I am sorry.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Flattering around

Now
I ahve decided
That stupid people
Just need
that you
flatter them around
and
then
they make
less
trouble
and
interrupt
less
in my own
ideas
and coals.

Let them be stupid
that is their own problem
I can stay polite
and if necessary
to flatter them
a bit
so that
they get out
of mt way
finally
one day

Monday, May 4, 2015

Diet

I find it stated
that women
in the beginning
of thier
30s
(and maybe also men)
are
changing
their diet

Recently
I have encountered
many
biographies pf
the leaders of
vegetarian,
vegan,
paleo,
raw food
dieters/eaters/lifesylers
and

Surprisingly!
Their big Changes!
Discoveries!
start when
they started
their 30s.

Strange.
Because
I also
feel
I need
Change!

PS: have not eaten almost no milk-products for 18 days...

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Sweet

So nice
to be home
after a lot of driving
and meeting
and seeing places
and friends
and managing
the kids
and
their
needs

Nice to be
home
with
my
sweetheart...

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Unpleasant

Sometimes
I have to have
unpleasant
calls.
Talk about
unpleasant things.

They are
unpleasant
because
I do not feel
confident
I have to say
something that
I know
is not pleasant to hear
for the person
I am
talking to

I do not like
during people down.
Even if I know
I need
to stand for myself
and be
confident

And then I get
this silly voice.

That is like
I want to smear
jam on the talk
I am about to
have.

Or then
I laugh
silly
between
the talk.

I should be
more
aware how silly
I might sound.
It does not make
the conversation better
rather much worse.

I know.
I have to learn.
To be better
more confident
more concrete
and not let
anyone
to step on
my feet.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Spring

Spring is something
that
I missed
while living
in the North.

They do not have it!
There was winter and in
a week
There was summer
Leaving home in the morning and
by the evening the bushes were green.

But now.
I am enjoying it
Every second of it
Every day
Every Sun
Every rain

How the green spots on the branches
are just gradually
changing into leaves.

How the hares
on my evening-walk bath
are just gradually
getting darker fur.

How the days
are getting graduaally
warmer
longer
brighter.

I love it!


Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Eggs

The only way
I could eat an egg
is 
in a cake
Pancake. 
But
Boiled eggs
are dull. 

still
I ate one
on the weekend
as it is 
a tradition. 

Once a year - ok. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Time

Although
I know
that
time
is
unforseen
mysterious
surprise-full

There are still
repetitions
that I do
with kids
all the time

And it makes
the time
momotonous

Losing
the
unforseen
and
the mystery
and
the surprise
that

I
need

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Mom needs life

Life is not momotonous
although
you are
a mom

Your kids
your husband
is not
responsible
for you
feeling happy
or sad
or any other
emotions

It is you
who is
and has to be
responsible
for your
OWN
life

Enjoy
and prosper
as you want
and can

Then

Your kids
your husband
will be
enlightened
by the shine
that radiates
from
their precious
mom

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Strainer

I want to be
a strainer
so that
everything that is too much
or too detailed
just goes through
and the big picture
stays with me

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

No read news


Today
When I opened the news-page
I red something
That I did not want to know
It was not bad news for me
It was just something that someone had done
And was really bad
Evil
I do not want to close my eyes
as I know the Evil exists in the world
But today
I did not want to be reminded
That a person can
Become evil towards
someone that is weaker than him/her
I think we all can, unfortunately
Unfortunately

All in all
It is just Sad
That Evil has taken place

I am happy that I do not have to be the Judge
And can simply choose
not to read the news

Friday, February 27, 2015

Carrots

Discovered
That unpeeled carrots
Fills me much more
Than the peeled ones
The latter
I can eat, eat, eat, eat
Eat too much
Because it is sweet
And good
Eat too much
But when the peel is on
I feel
Much faster
That it has filled me
I do not need anymore
It is not that
There is more (carrot+peel)
But the bittery taste
Of the peel
Fills me more

Does it  mean
That the surface
Is richer
Than the inside
(Which is only sweet)
The core
Is more important
Than the interior

The visible tells us all
And no need to dig deeper
Under the surface
Where are only empty calories

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Coffee at 3

I like mornings!
Cold shower
Making breakfast to my small ones
Drinking tea
And maybe even coffee
Going out
Bushing the pram with 2
Making fun in the metro
Leaving the happy ones
(and sometimes not so happy ones)
To the day-care
Going to library
Writing, writing, reading, writing,
eating, drinking water,
reading, reading...

But I hate
When the afternoon kicks in
Then I juts want to
Sleep
Sleep
Sleep

Give me coffee at 3!

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Love

Where does it come from and how can it go away?
When he announced about their separation he said: "There is no love."
But... where did it go?
I think that there used to be love.. how can it disappear?

I do not understand.

I have never experienced love that goes away... I think.
Or.. what is love? Confused...

At the same time. When it can start, it should also have the right to stop being, change, disappear..

But when did it start? When I fell in love. Or when I got used to the person and decided to build a life together. Or when I saw him every day and night (not in the mornings as then he is asleep :)). Or when we were having fun together? Or when we had hard times together? When does the love start?
It is all so foggy.

And how can it stop being?
I think I still love the guys that I once had fallen in love. Even if nothing happened between us ever or it was a bit strange and embarrassing (I was a shy girl). But when I think about any of them I feel happy and glad. Kind of similar how I feel about Him, though, with Him everything is real. Or there is a difference of feeling love and feeling happy/nostalgic/cheerful? I guess. But I can not say "there is no love" when I think about them...

Or. Love goes away only when some bitter feelings come in place? I can not feel bitter about what happened in my past because nothing happened. But they were together for so many years.. I think 9 or even more. And many things can be said and many things can be done during that time. People grow and change and their feelings can change. Can they?
It sounds scary.

Can feelings really change? I can not imagine it... but yes, one day I did not love and the next they I was in love. At the same time, I can not imagine that as a mother I stop loving my kids. Or, I can not even imagine that I stop loving Him. It is like one of the essentials of the life, like I could stop breathing or eating.

It is so foggy.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Time

It does not like me
And again, it likes me
Today it does not
It flies by and
It just leaves me on the sofa
I wish it could take me to the tour
But it does not
Maybe I am too heavy today
It can not sweep me
I do not have no glee
And yet again
Some other day
I am so light and cheerful
That I could fly to the Moon and back
Be ready for any adventure
Accomplish so many things in just one day
Not today
Some other day
Tomorrow

Friday, February 6, 2015

Murks is Not Good Enough for Estonian Men

In fact, the rumor tells the story the other way around. Estonian Men are not good enough for Murks. This is spread by the elderly women (the mothers of the Estonian Men) and often you can hear it from the Men themselves. I am not really sure what does it mean. Is it like an accusation as if I have refused to keep up the national agenda of making more small Estonians? Or is it more specific - the mothers who say it out think concretely that I refused their son? And the men who say that they think that I have not used an opportunity (ihih) to be with themselves or other man-friend they thought that could have been suitable for me? Somehow you can not hear it from the younger generation of Estonian women, although I have one exception from a girl herself together with an Irish guy who said: "the foreign men are much better than Estonians, aren't they?" I did not now what to answer. I do not think one can distinguish the groups like that....
Of course, Murks is away from the precious homeland because of him, true. But this is definitely Good Enough for both.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Linear world

I know for sure now
that this life that I am living here
is not a book
like the boys in Pal-street were thinking.
And sometimes somebody might think.
No.
Because.
I create my world myself!
(Such an empowering slogan)
And I just descovered
Again
How impossible it is
do write a text
that is more than one page long.
I just loose the track
and the beginning is not logical enymore
when I arrive in the middle or
even just a little bit
further away from it.
So
Let's keep it simple
and geographical.
a round-shape is perfect
to have the overall picture
and understanding of processes.
And also I can play the god
in this spatious world.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Sleeping

Sleeping is good.
I see bad dreams.
Not good.
Zombies.
I do not know why?
I do not sleep deep.
Always thinking: "Soon I will wake up"
But I do not and no-one is able to wake me up.
The morning comes before I wake.
I feel I have not slept any.
Those zombies
I still have them in my mind
When I am under the shower
Or make jokes with my kids to get them up
or preparing meal,
or drinking heeps of coffee...
Those creepy zombies.
I wish sleeping was good.
Will try again
Tonight, tomorrow night and so on.
One day I should get it right!