Monday, December 26, 2016

Living in the forest

We are
living
in the forest.

It means
the tree
can sometimes fall
over the only street
that it is our
way out
Just like it did
on our first
day.

And when I make
an happy face
and tell
the kids -
lets' go walk in the forest
One gets
disappointed
that there will be
no car ride
included.
Just put on
your overall
and walk.

And on Sunday
the parking space
on our border
is full
of parked cars.
Why?
Ou yeee,
we have
the best
surroundings
of the
region!

Yee!
Forest!
Rocks!
Views!
Trees!
More rocks.
Beautiful.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Hypnotized by elves

I am hypnotized
Totally

I have become
Santa's little helper

Just before falling asleep
every evening
I jump up
from the bed:

Uuuuu, alost forgot that I
need to take out the surprises
my daughter has left
for the elf
in the slippers
on the window

And
replace them with
some
surprises
for my
little ones

Who wake up every morning
full of excitement:
What did he bring today!!??
A balloon
A candle
Some stickers
A letter even --- mommy, please, please read the letter!

What a joy.

And the next night happens
the same.
Just when I am about to
fall asleep.

Those elves
They are such hypnotizers!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Let go

I am a gatherer
I like to keep some things
Hoarder

Now
I am gathering
Fat

I do not want
To let it go
Keep
Everything
To myself

It is mine
My fat.

It is soft
It is warm
It is bouncy
Bouncy ball

Happy
It makes me happy...

Or...
Heavy
Tired...
Also.

But I rather sleep
Than let it go

Or...
Something...
Probable...

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Life goes by

I am so unhappy
I let the
halloween
go by

I think

I promised to
my daughter
that she can go
'thick or treat'
in our
neighborhood

Read form somewhere
that they do it
on Friday, the 4th
this year

But other kids
were doing it
yesterday
and I still
thought
it will be also
fine to
postpone it

Maybe it will,
will see on Friday
But

I also promised
that I will get her
a witch hat
and
when I wanted
to buy it
today..

They do not
sell them
anymore

Suddenly today
every store is
full of
christmas-crap.
No
halloween
anymore.

Uh
I got so sad
But maybe
just need to
discover some
crafts
and
make it anyway
for friday...

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Responsibility

I am afraid
of taking
responsibility
for
myself
or
anything
around me.

Better be
sick
unhealthy...
Keep
my
illusions
of
life,
my life.

Do not
want
changes.

Just
vegetate.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Visiting

my dad.
My childhoods' home.
And
I like
it here.

It is so different
than
any other
place
I can
visit.

There is
dry closet
in the house
and
it is so
cold
these
days.

The temperature
in the house
is not
constant
either.

Drinking
tea.
Oh no,
it means
I need to
visit the crapper
soon again
and more often...

Had a period
when
I did not
like to
come here.

It was when
my dad
forced
my mom
to leave.

But this summer
I realized
I love this
old house.
And a huge garden
with overgrown old
apple trees.

Even though
my dad
is not able to
keep it clean (oh, he vacuumed today just before us arriving!!!)
or in order..
or as cozy as
it used to be.
No.
Because of it all (no cleaning, no order, no cozy)
I like this place.

To see
how
my dad
is getting older.
How it can be
to
get old.
How it can be
to
be
like he is.

And
mostly
how much I can
still
love him.
Despite
all the
disagreements
I have
with the way
he has lived
his life.
How much I
oppose with (even hate)
so many of
his
decisions,
and
foundations
of
his life.
Brrrrrrrr.

And still
in many ways
I look into a mirror
by looking at him...
He is
my dad.

And I do (still)
think
he is a
wonderful
person.

Amazing,
were
the love,
my love
can reach...

Visiting this house
is an
exiting
experience.

Visiting my dad
is
visiting
the corners
of
my heart.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

B-day

I have a birthday today
but
it feels
strange.

What?
Why?

It is just a day
nothing
especial.

I do not feel
especial

Although
in my heart
I know
I have
felt
especial
before
on
this
day.

Not today.

It is just
an ordinary
day.

Is it sad?
A bit..
When my son
woke up late
and realized,
was sad
that he could not
sing me up.
Then it felt
a bit sad...

But.
No, I think.
It is just strange.
I should kind of
feel something
but I do not.

Just
another
day.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Farewell!

I saw you
goodbye today
in the
funeral house.

It went
really fast
and the ceremony
was so-so.

But
whatever...

I am happy
that I came
and could
think
how it was...

The most vivid memory
I have
is form
the childhood
how we hid
under the table
and
tickled gown-ups feet.

You were laughing
as pearls flowing
from your mouth
ringing
ihihihihihihih
(and your long gone husband
had the opposite-laugh
deep
ahahahahahah)

I hope
you can laugh
now together
again...

And you were always so
charming
lady
Yes
and old school lady.

Social.
Always
attending
our small parties
and
being
there.

That
was
great!
I like that
I knew you
and
I have things to
think about
admire about
lean and value
related
to you.

Farewell!

Friday, October 14, 2016

Neck hurts

So
in addition to words
my neck
hurts.

Only benefit
is
that it
can hurt
only
myself.

But
it is
annoying
and
makes me
cranky.

Brrrrrrrrrr.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Words hurt

They hurt
the words
I use

I am afraid
of speaking
or writing.

I think I am
constructive
and honest
but

they hurt
and
I seem to have
no control
over

or ways
of expressing
differently
"properly"
so that
there
would not be
any
misunderstandings

But
there are
always are.

Is it better then
to keep
silence?

I do not believe
in silence

better to
say
and
apologize

or simply not
take the
responsibility
of
misunderstandings

Better
learn to express
the way
it could
hurt
less.

Is it
possible?

Sorry.
I am sorry.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Dance

I dance
to be able to
write

I dance
to be able to
sit down
and write

I dance
to be able to
be
flexible
not
stiff
and write

I dance
to be able to
lose myself
in the
text
and
thought
and write

I dance

Appreciate the
big private
restrooms
in the libraries!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Murks became Dr Murks

I did it!
I faked it
and
I did it well

Nobody
complained

Nobody
asked any
nasty questions

All
perfect.

Too
perfect

Now
I feel
a bit
stupid
that I got
so
nervous
in advance.

But I guess
these
worries
helped me
to
became
perfect.

Tnx.

Funny also, that I started this blog in 2006 as Dr Murks. Then it was just a joke, although, I already started the track towards the degree. Now it finally happened. Ihihiii.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Shaking

I am shaking
I feel
there are some standards
that I have to
keep up with.

But
I am not convinced
that
they are
the essence of
the content.

Just
some kind of
show
that needs to be
played.

Or simply faked.

Just
to give
impression.

I am divided
but also
see that
not pretending and faking
might give
even worse
impression
or even
misinterpretation
of the
content.

So
I better
fake
(that I am not
shaking).


Sunday, September 18, 2016

Fail

I was unprepared
without knowing it
I prepared
but not for what
I was supposed to...
And
I had
no idea...

I have been to these situations
before
many times
many-many-many times
but the most resent one
was already about
5 years ago.

Amazing
what one can
forget
in 5 years.

All these
small professional details
that were so easy
and ordinary
back then.
Now this ordinary
became a hard work
that I did not do,
although, I thought I did.

To reveal more -
I gave the worse
possible presentation
ever and
made
all possible mistakes
one can make.
I realized it
during the presentation.
And still carried on
without stopping myself.

Uuuuh.
What an embarrassment.

I surprised myself
really-really surprised.
I used to be good
and really entertaining
and focused.
How could I be so bad?!
How did I became so bad?!
How did I end up in this kind of situation?!
I had no idea.
And I just carried on.
Embarrassment till the end.

Lucky,
It was just a rehearsal.
I can do better!
I can do the opposite!

I am better! I think...

Friday, September 16, 2016

I want to be..

the child
that is in me

the girl
that is in me

the happiness
that is in me

the kindness
that is in me

the laugh
that is in me

the ease
that is in me

the melodies
that come form inside

the memories
that are stored in me

the doubts
that are in me

the heaviness
that is in me

even
the pain
that is in me

I want to be
ME

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

How does 'being kind to people' serve me?

I was told: you seem to be a kind person.
Hmmm. Yes. At least, I want to be.
How does it serve you?
Hmmm

Inner satisfaction.
Self-assurance -
I am kind, considerate, nice, good person
- it makes me feel good about myself.

Making connections.
Positive connections.
Better to be kind than not kind.
Kindness = politeness...
Others value me. more, maybe. Kind people are valued..

I do not intend to be the reason of someones negative emotions...
Is there even people who intend?!
Is it always unconscious?!
Of course,  I can not be responsible for others' feelings...
So, this argument does not work.
Even if I do not intend, I still can not assure
that they do not get offended...
I guess..

Starting to doubt.
How does it NOT serve me?

I sometimes/often get used by someone.
Some take me for granted.
I let them use me..
I like when they use me... self-destruction.
I do not stand for myself enough.
I am not sure of my (high) position.
Low self-esteem..
Hmmmmmm...

Need to look more into it...

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Hammered

You get upset... and go
leaving all our evening duties to me.
Leaving all the responsibilities...
leaving...
I can relate to this
leaving is a good way to get over the heat
go-go! I can manage.

When you come back
You come back with the handful of nails
and a hammer.
You come to me
and start hammering
I realize I am just a blank for you
You need no conversation
My words just give you more power
for hammering..
I try to take the role
being the blank
And take these nails with consious mind
but sti... you do not finish before they are all in
many of them hurt and I start bleeding..

I see that you got your anger out
You calmed down
hammering helped you
That is good

But you do not see this blood and pain
that it made me lie into
I need some time now
just can not stand up and go on
Need to nurture and let go
heal
make sure nothing gets infected
before I can continue.
Hammered.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Stop bullying myself

So
I am happy
I am funny
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am interesting
I am thoughtful
I am caring
I am sunny
I am smiley
I am gifted

Also
I am simply awesome!

So
I stopped saying
negative things
about myself
At least
I try.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Do not have to apologize

For
what
I have done

For
what
I have created

For
what
I have thought

For
what
I have disturbed

For
what
I have written

For
what
I have shaken

For
what
I have mistaken

For
what
I have became

Because
it all
came
from my heart

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Motherized

Now
That I am looking for a job
I realize
that
I am so
motherized.

Crazy.

What is my
ambition?
What would I like
to do?
What is that I should
contribute to?
What is the purpose
of my life?

I start to
think about
these
questions.

At this stage
of my life
I can only
answer
these
questions
in relation
to
the kids.

The strangest
is that
I do not even
know
If it is
good
bad
sad
strange
or
...

I can not
be someone else
than a mother
when I know
that my kids
are not
fine.

I think
I am afraid of
changes due to
that.

The question is
what
is
the definition
for "fine"?

Messy thoughts.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Numbing

Today
I saw two small kids
playing with an i-pod
in the metro
while their mom was
talking to a friend.

My kids
went to sit next to these kids
first
but then
one
decided to
empty his sand-full rubberboot
into
the floor
it was a lot
of sand...

Getting exited from
some surrounding
laughters
they both
started to
romp and roll,
run and
hung on the handrails
all this
accompanied with
noise.
A lot
of noise.

Managed to
make them sit
in another part of
the metro.
Some people smiled.
Some changed their seats.

I concluded
that some parents
numb their kids
with i-pods.
My kids
numb themselves
with romp and rolls.
... they really
seemed to have
forgotten
the existence of me
or other
people...
Oh.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Waffles

Dreaming about
waffles
For the last
looong period.
These good old
thin crispy home-made waffles
made so that
the house is full
of stink of oil
and butter
a lot of butter
in the waffles.

Finally
went to the store
and bought
the machine.
and just now
ate
my
own
made
waffles.

hmmmmmm
mmmmmm

There is potential
definitely potential
to make them
even better.

So far
so good.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Vulnerable

I feel vulnerable
I am being evaluated
For the work
I spent 10 years (on paper)
In reality,
it was less
but still
a looong
time
So many emotions....
So many phrases...
So many changes...
Finally
wrote it together
This spring

And now
waiting for the
evaluation.

Is it worth
to get positive answer
green light...

Will see
but feel
vulnerable
nevertheless.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

500 words a day

My new motto
to write
500 words a day
not impossible
most of the days
and sometimes
even
more and more
can be put
together.

So it goes
and I hope
one day
I will finish
this writing
to start 
a new. 

Friday, April 29, 2016

Time wasted

Had flu
the whole week
and I have lost
my muse

Was doing so
well already
with work
but now
I have not done anything
for a whole week
not a sentence
written
although
my plan
was to write
a page
a day

Feeling so bad
Although
waking up
this morning
(or yesterday or..)
I already felt
better
from flu

Still
can not do
any of it

Brrrr
so bad.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Writing

Writing is powerful
When my head is full of thoughts
annoying thoughts
and I take some time
to write them down
I feel
I am sending them away
Therapy
Write them down
and do not think
about them
anymore
I do not have to.

When it happens
that I read
what I wrote
I can not remember anymore
these thoughts
were they mine?
What? Why? When?
Could remember
some vague
feeling or emotion
put the head is empty
and new thought
have taken
place.

It means also
I can not write down
the good thought
the thought
I want to keep
to enjoy
to cherish myself
Those
I want to keep
and keep and keep

So
the things I write
are always
something that
I do not need anymore
Over it!
Gone!

Good bye!
Fare well!

Monday, April 11, 2016

Fasting

I am doing fasting
and it shows
so far
that
I am so
full
of crap.

Woooo
four times now
once a week
36h a time

and it
seems
to go
worse
and worse

Also
I have realized
That
my everyday
food
is
rather
crap.
Means
It does not
make me
feel
very good.

So.
Changes
on the way

But
I know
they are
good
changes
very good.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Spring

Warm Sun
Cold Air

I love it!
I adore it!

Breath in
Look up

That is life!

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Mindful

I decided
that
I will became
mindful.

Yes.
I notice
myself.

Me, me, me!

Relly needed
because
recenty
do much
thinking
about
others.
Others' problems.

Everyone
has
so many problems
around me
and
I
want to solve
them.

Even if I do not know
the people
or do not even
know
if
they are
just
wining
or really
having
problems.

I just think
too much
about them.

But now
focus is
on me.

What do I feel
and where
and what does it
tell me
about myself.

Hello, me!
How am I doing?


Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Do nothing

I do
Nothing
I just
cant
gather
myself
to do
anything

yes.
I can do
these everyday
things -
wake up
shower
eat
take kids to daycare
and back
and eat
and sleep

but
I just
can not
gather
myself
to
do
the things
I like.

Even when
I have theoretically
the moment
I just wanna
sit
or
lie
and
do
nothing.

Monday, February 29, 2016

TED

What an empowerment
to listen to
the people
who do
what they
like
the most

And
also can
it make so simple
how
to live the life
happy
and focused
and successful

I also want
to be
like that

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Dreams with Death

One night
I saw a dream
a nice one
with a lot of snow
and skiing.
Having fun and
building
snowmen.
All white
and beautiful.

And I saw there
many on friends
relatives
acquaintances
and even
celebrities.

It was all beautiful

Until
I suddenly
realized
in my dream
That all these
people
are
dead.

They have died in
last few years
and I have
not been
to their
funeral.

Now
I mourn
in retrospect
and
it
hurts.

I miss them.

In fact,
it is really nice
to meet in
such a beautiful
dreams.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Allergy

Me too
I have some
allergies.

There goes this
perception
of being healthy
and, moreover,
eaten
enough
mud
while kid.

I have developed
allergies
against
people

Against people
who can not stop
talking about
other people
and, moreover,
about
other peoples'
problems.

I really
can not stand
this
It makes me
feel sick
and itchy.

Before I thought
I should go along
with it.
But now I
realized:

Better leave! Fast!

Thursday, January 14, 2016

I am the light

I know
I am the ultimate core
or the mood
hovering around
in this house.

When I am happy,
others are happy.

When I am relaxed,
others are relaxed.

When I am cranky,
others became cranky.

When I am restless,
others became restless.

I reflect
from the mirrors
in this house.

You are my mirror,
my dear daughter.

You are my mirror,
my sweet son.

You are my mirror,
my waggly woofy.

And even you.
Even You.
You reflect all that
what I
can give out.

I am the most important
And, luckily, I know that.