Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Responsibility

I am afraid
of taking
responsibility
for
myself
or
anything
around me.

Better be
sick
unhealthy...
Keep
my
illusions
of
life,
my life.

Do not
want
changes.

Just
vegetate.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Visiting

my dad.
My childhoods' home.
And
I like
it here.

It is so different
than
any other
place
I can
visit.

There is
dry closet
in the house
and
it is so
cold
these
days.

The temperature
in the house
is not
constant
either.

Drinking
tea.
Oh no,
it means
I need to
visit the crapper
soon again
and more often...

Had a period
when
I did not
like to
come here.

It was when
my dad
forced
my mom
to leave.

But this summer
I realized
I love this
old house.
And a huge garden
with overgrown old
apple trees.

Even though
my dad
is not able to
keep it clean (oh, he vacuumed today just before us arriving!!!)
or in order..
or as cozy as
it used to be.
No.
Because of it all (no cleaning, no order, no cozy)
I like this place.

To see
how
my dad
is getting older.
How it can be
to
get old.
How it can be
to
be
like he is.

And
mostly
how much I can
still
love him.
Despite
all the
disagreements
I have
with the way
he has lived
his life.
How much I
oppose with (even hate)
so many of
his
decisions,
and
foundations
of
his life.
Brrrrrrrr.

And still
in many ways
I look into a mirror
by looking at him...
He is
my dad.

And I do (still)
think
he is a
wonderful
person.

Amazing,
were
the love,
my love
can reach...

Visiting this house
is an
exiting
experience.

Visiting my dad
is
visiting
the corners
of
my heart.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

B-day

I have a birthday today
but
it feels
strange.

What?
Why?

It is just a day
nothing
especial.

I do not feel
especial

Although
in my heart
I know
I have
felt
especial
before
on
this
day.

Not today.

It is just
an ordinary
day.

Is it sad?
A bit..
When my son
woke up late
and realized,
was sad
that he could not
sing me up.
Then it felt
a bit sad...

But.
No, I think.
It is just strange.
I should kind of
feel something
but I do not.

Just
another
day.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Farewell!

I saw you
goodbye today
in the
funeral house.

It went
really fast
and the ceremony
was so-so.

But
whatever...

I am happy
that I came
and could
think
how it was...

The most vivid memory
I have
is form
the childhood
how we hid
under the table
and
tickled gown-ups feet.

You were laughing
as pearls flowing
from your mouth
ringing
ihihihihihihih
(and your long gone husband
had the opposite-laugh
deep
ahahahahahah)

I hope
you can laugh
now together
again...

And you were always so
charming
lady
Yes
and old school lady.

Social.
Always
attending
our small parties
and
being
there.

That
was
great!
I like that
I knew you
and
I have things to
think about
admire about
lean and value
related
to you.

Farewell!

Friday, October 14, 2016

Neck hurts

So
in addition to words
my neck
hurts.

Only benefit
is
that it
can hurt
only
myself.

But
it is
annoying
and
makes me
cranky.

Brrrrrrrrrr.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Words hurt

They hurt
the words
I use

I am afraid
of speaking
or writing.

I think I am
constructive
and honest
but

they hurt
and
I seem to have
no control
over

or ways
of expressing
differently
"properly"
so that
there
would not be
any
misunderstandings

But
there are
always are.

Is it better then
to keep
silence?

I do not believe
in silence

better to
say
and
apologize

or simply not
take the
responsibility
of
misunderstandings

Better
learn to express
the way
it could
hurt
less.

Is it
possible?

Sorry.
I am sorry.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Dance

I dance
to be able to
write

I dance
to be able to
sit down
and write

I dance
to be able to
be
flexible
not
stiff
and write

I dance
to be able to
lose myself
in the
text
and
thought
and write

I dance

Appreciate the
big private
restrooms
in the libraries!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Murks became Dr Murks

I did it!
I faked it
and
I did it well

Nobody
complained

Nobody
asked any
nasty questions

All
perfect.

Too
perfect

Now
I feel
a bit
stupid
that I got
so
nervous
in advance.

But I guess
these
worries
helped me
to
became
perfect.

Tnx.

Funny also, that I started this blog in 2006 as Dr Murks. Then it was just a joke, although, I already started the track towards the degree. Now it finally happened. Ihihiii.