Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Why am I here?

I just do not know.
How did I get here?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
Why is it good for?
Or even
Who am I?

I have higher education
but I am stupid.
I cannot speak properly
I can write even less
and it feels that
everyone thinks
I do not know things

And, in fact,
they are correct
I do not know
things here
I am not from here. 

I am starting to feel
that they might be right
more and more
So many things are new
that are so trivial
to them

I am in the group
and listen
and it is so tiring
to follow
all the time
what is going on.

but I know
that I have to
in order to
fit in
one day
and be accepted
and be able to work
and be able to achieve somethings
that would make my heart sing.

But it seems so far, so far
And i am tired
so often.
Feel helpless
and stupid...

Also. When these thoughts come...
It would be so much easier to
not let them in.
Just continue
Carry on listening and reading
and talking and writing with mistakes
wishing that there will be less and less mistakes
in the future.

But. These thoughts come
and cripple me   
and do not go away
so easily.

I wish they did.

Sunday, October 29, 2017


Have confidence!
Be a good mother!
Be professional!
Take care of others!
Walk the dog!
Keep clean!
Make good healthy food!
Take care of yourself!
Be a good listener!
Participate in conversations!
Have good humor!
Be sharp in expressions!
Be helpful!
Know what you want!
Have focus!
Learn fast!
Be bright!
Be on time!
Look neat!

Again, have confidence!

It is too much...

Thursday, October 26, 2017

I have missed the trains

It seems to me
that everyone
i building up their carrier.

Working where needed to
get experience
Learning what needed
having a concrete
and thorough

But I don't
I am messy
I get excited about everything
and I am not specialized on

Sometimes I hope
everyone is just
good pretenders.
But in fact
they hardly are
They just know
what they like
I do not.

Have I missed this train...

And then
there is this other train
training and being fit....
I do no sports

I should I really should
I know how much I could

But when? where? how?
It is dark in the evenings to go
for a walk or run
and I am tired by then...

Daytime passes in the office
evening with kids...

The train is gone?

Ouh, I am just
making stupid excuses, I know.
Instead of pulling myself together
and doing something with my life.
Changing something.


Sunday, September 17, 2017

I just need a hug

I am sick
Stupid sickness
Could not speak nor swallow
for two days

I was put to quarantine
by my family
my man, especially
who is so afraid of sickness
just before an important work-trip
I get it

But I relised
how lucky I am
having people around me
every day
having hugs and closeness
every day
touching is so important

I get it only
when I can't get it

Almost burst to tears
when my son came to me
in the evening
just before bedtime

He said:
one day
when you are not sick anymore
I would like to hug you."

cannot wait for this day!

I am so lucky!

Friday, September 8, 2017

From another planet

I am
from another planet

I am
trying to find a job after
a long time not working

too long

I am
managed to get a practice

I am
feeling I have no idea
about anything

I am
not having any clue about
how people work or
what happens in the offices

I am
just learning about it
as if conducting ethnographic fieldwork


I have
no idea how
any of these systems work

Fresh eyes of an alien
these I have

Plus this language that
I still cannot fully grasp

"Ush, jobbigt,"
 as they would say

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Throwing a ball

Throwing a ball
back and forth

You say whatever you need
I get overwhelmed

Few days later
It comes to me and I have to

Then you keep down
but I see you need
to throw again

But you do not.

Is it possible to just
throw it away?
Somewhere far
where it won't come
bouncing back.

I wish
you could
I could
as well.

Sunday, July 16, 2017


Books are so different
than life
I mean...
Than the language in everyday moments
in speech
in newspapers
in films
but mostly
in homey situations.

Books are like windows
into a different world
where visual-ity
is created
incredible constructions
of combinations and plays of words
that do not exist

in everyday moments.

A book a day
should be a must
for a
emotion-hungry soul.

Friday, May 26, 2017


In a loop

I am here again

I have been here before
many times...
And I promised myself the last time
(any of these times)
that I am not conna
come back
I will do it

Here I am.

I saw it coming
I saw the vehicle turning
to its usual bath
I did nothing
I did not fight
I had promised

In this same loop


Monday, May 15, 2017

Mothers' day

Recent years I have
sent a gift to my mom
A poetry
or a T-shirt
whit mine and kids
or something...

It has been important.

This time.
I have been thinking about it
a lot
already many weeks...
That I should send
Even just a

But I did not do it.

Not because I am
upset with her.
I am not
I love her.
She is sweet.

But recently
I see in me
I behave the way
I always hated
my mother
to behave

(Mainly getting upset
and shouty superfast
ans seemingly
with no reasonable reason...
Kids are a bit slow...
I am in a hurry..
They do not clean their room
when I think they should..
Always talking to them
with irritation)

Why do I do that!
I just cannot stop.
I do it, I see myself doing it,
I feel it is not good.
I try not to.
But the moment I do not
concentrate on
not doing it
I do it

I am irritated,
I am shouting at them
I am knitting my brows
(I even feel the muscle pain in my face)
I am being terrible...


For no reasonable reason.

How can I change?
I know my mom has not changed
(so I can not ask her)
But I want to be different
I want my kids to have it differently
I want them to be different parents.

Of course
It does not mean I do not love
or respect
or think often about
my mom.


Maybe I should ask her anyways
Maybe she does not even know these things about her
This automatic behavior
At least for me it is

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Ideas fade away

I have many plans
many great idea
what I wan to do
what I want to achieve.

sometimes I even
get a hold on some
and work for

but i cannot do it
when i want
I can not concentrate on
when I feel inspiration

the others go first
the ones who need nurturing
who just want to
show a picture they draw
or explain
a lego-creature-machine
they had just built
or tell a story
or ask for a sandwich
or get instructions for writing a letter
or have a massage
or talk

and even if I have a moment to
I just sit
and stare
and be
do nothing
because there is no
bower left

I come as last
not least because
the others are not in a safe zone
in a good place
I just cannot concentrate on
anything else.

and the ideas often just
fade away
fade away
fade away...

I am a mom

Tuesday, March 21, 2017


So excited
the kids have their first playdate
with a friend from open preschool
that takes place
3 times a week
and we
quite often

It is Ava
that Finka has gotten to like
and they often play

We agreed with her dad
(she is there always with her dad)
that we continue
to our fores
with our car
after the preschool
and they can stay
till the evening (how long they want)
when I will
drive them back.

So they come
and it is really cool
Kids have their first friend to visit.
I am making pancakes
And we eat

Kids play upstairs and
we also go outside...

then it becomes apparent
that only kids do not consider it as a playdate
A certain dad thinks
that while kids are playing
the grownups should play do.

So, that is why the bragging about
that he is a professional masseur
but the massage is not good at all...
that tries to sneak into
some other activity.

And if I say thanks for the massage
but nothing else is gonna happen
He anyway keeps trying...
Even when we are about to
go backto town
(maybe we can still...)

And I feel sad
that the kids cannot have
their new friend
visiting again...

I thought it was
kind of prefect
but the thought collapsed