Friday, May 26, 2017

Flaws

In a loop

I am here again

Aaaah,
I have been here before
many times...
And I promised myself the last time
(any of these times)
that I am not conna
come back
I will do it
differently

But
Here I am.
Again

I saw it coming
I saw the vehicle turning
to its usual bath
But
I did nothing
I did not fight
Although
I had promised

Ooooh
Again
In this same loop

Discusting

Monday, May 15, 2017

Mothers' day

Recent years I have
sent a gift to my mom
A poetry
or a T-shirt
whit mine and kids
finger-painting-marks
or something...

It has been important.

This time.
I have been thinking about it
a lot
already many weeks...
That I should send
something.
Even just a
postcard.

But I did not do it.

Not because I am
upset with her.
I am not
I love her.
She is sweet.

But recently
I see in me
I behave the way
I always hated
my mother
to behave

(Mainly getting upset
and shouty superfast
ans seemingly
with no reasonable reason...
Kids are a bit slow...
I am in a hurry..
They do not clean their room
when I think they should..
Always talking to them
with irritation)

Uh!
Why do I do that!
I just cannot stop.
I do it, I see myself doing it,
I feel it is not good.
I try not to.
But the moment I do not
concentrate on
not doing it
I do it

I am irritated,
I am shouting at them
I am knitting my brows
(I even feel the muscle pain in my face)
I am being terrible...

Terrible...

For no reasonable reason.

How can I change?
I know my mom has not changed
(so I can not ask her)
But I want to be different
I want my kids to have it differently
I want them to be different parents.

Of course
It does not mean I do not love
or respect
or think often about
my mom.

Hmmm

Maybe I should ask her anyways
Maybe she does not even know these things about her
This automatic behavior
At least for me it is
automatic.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Ideas fade away

I have many plans
many great idea
what I wan to do
what I want to achieve.

sometimes I even
get a hold on some
and work for
them

but i cannot do it
when i want
I can not concentrate on
when I feel inspiration

No
the others go first
the ones who need nurturing
who just want to
show a picture they draw
or explain
a lego-creature-machine
they had just built
or tell a story
or ask for a sandwich
or get instructions for writing a letter
or have a massage
or talk
or...

and even if I have a moment to
myself
I just sit
and stare
and be
do nothing
because there is no
bower left

I come as last
not least because
the others are not in a safe zone
in a good place
I just cannot concentrate on
anything else.

and the ideas often just
fade away
fade away
fade away...

I am a mom