Mothers' day

Recent years I have
sent a gift to my mom
A poetry
or a T-shirt
whit mine and kids
finger-painting-marks
or something...

It has been important.

This time.
I have been thinking about it
a lot
already many weeks...
That I should send
something.
Even just a
postcard.

But I did not do it.

Not because I am
upset with her.
I am not
I love her.
She is sweet.

But recently
I see in me
I behave the way
I always hated
my mother
to behave

(Mainly getting upset
and shouty superfast
ans seemingly
with no reasonable reason...
Kids are a bit slow...
I am in a hurry..
They do not clean their room
when I think they should..
Always talking to them
with irritation)

Uh!
Why do I do that!
I just cannot stop.
I do it, I see myself doing it,
I feel it is not good.
I try not to.
But the moment I do not
concentrate on
not doing it
I do it

I am irritated,
I am shouting at them
I am knitting my brows
(I even feel the muscle pain in my face)
I am being terrible...

Terrible...

For no reasonable reason.

How can I change?
I know my mom has not changed
(so I can not ask her)
But I want to be different
I want my kids to have it differently
I want them to be different parents.

Of course
It does not mean I do not love
or respect
or think often about
my mom.

Hmmm

Maybe I should ask her anyways
Maybe she does not even know these things about her
This automatic behavior
At least for me it is
automatic.

Ideas fade away

I have many plans
many great idea
what I wan to do
what I want to achieve.

sometimes I even
get a hold on some
and work for
them

but i cannot do it
when i want
I can not concentrate on
when I feel inspiration

No
the others go first
the ones who need nurturing
who just want to
show a picture they draw
or explain
a lego-creature-machine
they had just built
or tell a story
or ask for a sandwich
or get instructions for writing a letter
or have a massage
or talk
or...

and even if I have a moment to
myself
I just sit
and stare
and be
do nothing
because there is no
bower left

I come as last
not least because
the others are not in a safe zone
in a good place
I just cannot concentrate on
anything else.

and the ideas often just
fade away
fade away
fade away...

I am a mom

Playdate

So excited
the kids have their first playdate
with a friend from open preschool
that takes place
3 times a week
and we
quite often
visit.

It is Ava
that Finka has gotten to like
and they often play
together.

We agreed with her dad
(she is there always with her dad)
that we continue
to our fores
with our car
after the preschool
and they can stay
till the evening (how long they want)
when I will
drive them back.

So they come
and it is really cool
Kids have their first friend to visit.
I am making pancakes
And we eat

Kids play upstairs and
we also go outside...

But...
then it becomes apparent
that only kids do not consider it as a playdate
A certain dad thinks
that while kids are playing
the grownups should play do.

So, that is why the bragging about
that he is a professional masseur
but the massage is not good at all...
that tries to sneak into
some other activity.

Brrr
And if I say thanks for the massage
but nothing else is gonna happen
He anyway keeps trying...
Even when we are about to
go backto town
(maybe we can still...)

And I feel sad
that the kids cannot have
their new friend
visiting again...

I thought it was
kind of prefect
but the thought collapsed

Brrrrrr

Living in the forest

We are
living
in the forest.

It means
the tree
can sometimes fall
over the only street
that it is our
way out
Just like it did
on our first
day.

And when I make
an happy face
and tell
the kids -
lets' go walk in the forest
One gets
disappointed
that there will be
no car ride
included.
Just put on
your overall
and walk.

And on Sunday
the parking space
on our border
is full
of parked cars.
Why?
Ou yeee,
we have
the best
surroundings
of the
region!

Yee!
Forest!
Rocks!
Views!
Trees!
More rocks.
Beautiful.

Hypnotized by elves

I am hypnotized
Totally

I have become
Santa's little helper

Just before falling asleep
every evening
I jump up
from the bed:

Uuuuu, alost forgot that I
need to take out the surprises
my daughter has left
for the elf
in the slippers
on the window

And
replace them with
some
surprises
for my
little ones

Who wake up every morning
full of excitement:
What did he bring today!!??
A balloon
A candle
Some stickers
A letter even --- mommy, please, please read the letter!

What a joy.

And the next night happens
the same.
Just when I am about to
fall asleep.

Those elves
They are such hypnotizers!

Let go

I am a gatherer
I like to keep some things
Hoarder

Now
I am gathering
Fat

I do not want
To let it go
Keep
Everything
To myself

It is mine
My fat.

It is soft
It is warm
It is bouncy
Bouncy ball

Happy
It makes me happy...

Or...
Heavy
Tired...
Also.

But I rather sleep
Than let it go

Or...
Something...
Probable...

Life goes by

I am so unhappy
I let the
halloween
go by

I think

I promised to
my daughter
that she can go
'thick or treat'
in our
neighborhood

Read form somewhere
that they do it
on Friday, the 4th
this year

But other kids
were doing it
yesterday
and I still
thought
it will be also
fine to
postpone it

Maybe it will,
will see on Friday
But

I also promised
that I will get her
a witch hat
and
when I wanted
to buy it
today..

They do not
sell them
anymore

Suddenly today
every store is
full of
christmas-crap.
No
halloween
anymore.

Uh
I got so sad
But maybe
just need to
discover some
crafts
and
make it anyway
for friday...