Stop bullying myself

So
I am happy
I am funny
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am interesting
I am thoughtful
I am caring
I am sunny
I am smiley
I am gifted

Also
I am simply awesome!

So
I stopped saying
negative things
about myself
At least
I try.

Do not have to apologize

For
what
I have done

For
what
I have created

For
what
I have thought

For
what
I have disturbed

For
what
I have written

For
what
I have shaken

For
what
I have mistaken

For
what
I have became

Because
it all
came
from my heart

Motherized

Now
That I am looking for a job
I realize
that
I am so
motherized.

Crazy.

What is my
ambition?
What would I like
to do?
What is that I should
contribute to?
What is the purpose
of my life?

I start to
think about
these
questions.

At this stage
of my life
I can only
answer
these
questions
in relation
to
the kids.

The strangest
is that
I do not even
know
If it is
good
bad
sad
strange
or
...

I can not
be someone else
than a mother
when I know
that my kids
are not
fine.

I think
I am afraid of
changes due to
that.

The question is
what
is
the definition
for "fine"?

Messy thoughts.

Numbing

Today
I saw two small kids
playing with an i-pod
in the metro
while their mom was
talking to a friend.

My kids
went to sit next to these kids
first
but then
one
decided to
empty his sand-full rubberboot
into
the floor
it was a lot
of sand...

Getting exited from
some surrounding
laughters
they both
started to
romp and roll,
run and
hung on the handrails
all this
accompanied with
noise.
A lot
of noise.

Managed to
make them sit
in another part of
the metro.
Some people smiled.
Some changed their seats.

I concluded
that some parents
numb their kids
with i-pods.
My kids
numb themselves
with romp and rolls.
... they really
seemed to have
forgotten
the existence of me
or other
people...
Oh.

Waffles

Dreaming about
waffles
For the last
looong period.
These good old
thin crispy home-made waffles
made so that
the house is full
of stink of oil
and butter
a lot of butter
in the waffles.

Finally
went to the store
and bought
the machine.
and just now
ate
my
own
made
waffles.

hmmmmmm
mmmmmm

There is potential
definitely potential
to make them
even better.

So far
so good.

Vulnerable

I feel vulnerable
I am being evaluated
For the work
I spent 10 years (on paper)
In reality,
it was less
but still
a looong
time
So many emotions....
So many phrases...
So many changes...
Finally
wrote it together
This spring

And now
waiting for the
evaluation.

Is it worth
to get positive answer
green light...

Will see
but feel
vulnerable
nevertheless.

500 words a day

My new motto

to write

500 words a day

not impossible

most of the days

and sometimes

even

more and more

can be put

together.

So it goes

and I hope

one day

I will finish

this writing

to start 

a new.