Mushrooms

They are hiding Yellow leaves Brown leaves Green moss Grey mud You do not see Slow down Squat Kneel down Check your feet There-there already squished some say hi! Then you see no Yellow leaves Brown leaves Green moss Grey mud Only them Everywhere Anywhere Autumn Craterellus tubaeformis Craterellus tubaeformis

Ants

Springtime

Allotment garden needs attention

Dandelions

Yellow blooms cover the grass

Sunshine

It has not rained for two weeks

Bumblebees

Need more flowers in my garden

For butterflies

I miss ladybugs 

Restaurant for insects is poorly equipped

Snails might take over

Aphids might take over

Ant-colony already nests in my chest

tired

it makes me shake
it makse me cranky
it makes me shout
and overreact


tired


i will not name it
i hide it
i pretend it is not there
i have noone to tell


tired


i make faces
fake it till you make it
i tell miself
and smile

Something bad is going to happen

Do not you feel it? I have this feeling all the time. For some weeks now. Maybe even longer. It is January and new year should always light a spark. New page. New opportunities. Yes, I also plan to go down in weight. Train more. Be more active. Love my body. Create good and meaningful contacts with people. In few moths I should find a new job as my project is finishing now. Do something meaningful with my life. Be happy(er) ...

But it just feels like that nothing matters. Something really bad is going to happen soon and then all my efforts are just waisted. I could just as well vegetate around and do nothing. No inspiration. No hope that the things I do or would do matter. They do not. Depressing. 

It does seem that during the last few years, many bad things have already happen. One might think that from now on it can only get better. I do not have this feeling. I do not think it. I just think there are only worse things coming. To the world. To the countries. To people who cannot make sense of right or wrong, truth or false. It is all so messy and gets even worse. I am sad and I hate this feeling. 

I have no money

I have no money 
But I still bought Christmas presents to my kids
I have no money 
But I had a gourmé-dinner at Thai restaurant
I have no money
and I made sure my husband pays our electricity bill
I have no money
But I waisted some random stuff that attracted me online
I have no money
But I still sent my monthly savings to Ukrainian Army
I have no money
But I send many smaller amounts to surprise my own an my kids teachers with flowers for Christmas 
I have no money 
But I buy gasoline every week in order to take myself around
I have no money 
because money does not belong to me
It is something that I borrow 
from the people who have even less 
Who do not have access to the amounts I have access to
and I have their trust 
that I spend it in a reasonable way
Considering themselves, our earth and climate...
Do I?

Money is never MINE. It belongs to the POOR.

Dear Mr Putin

I have known you for more than 20 years.
I remember when on a school trip to St Petersburg in 2000
We talked about you as Bloody Putin
People knew already then you are not afraid
To let some blood to flow, a lot of blood.
Anyone's blood 

I have to admit
I have secretly admired you
For your bullshit
For being able to bullshit so much
To use people as your puppets
Both is Russia and in the West
What a clever manipulator!
Make people bow and show their respect
Be it real or out of fear
Or just because they are genuinely polite
and do not recognize any other

But politeness is clearly weakness
Genuinity is to be used and manipulated with
Clearly, for you…

Now, looking at your speeches...
Your long tables…
Your poorly photoshopped videos…
One might feel sorry for you…
You might just need some contact
Konni is not around anymore… but google says you have other doggies
Or you need genuine human contact…
A hug.
No-no-no… genuinity is weakness…

You have a hazy look.
Your eyesight do not look so sharp anymore.
As it was years ago.
It reminds or the one Mr Brezjnev had
In the end, before he died, when he hardly could
Read out a full sentence, super slowly…

I think you are the prisoner of your own manipulations.
As all the old Soviet leaders were.
Nobody tells you the truth anymore
You have started to believe your own bullshit
That is what your eyes tell me.
Ukrainians need to be protected from their own democratic leaders – my ass!
Your eyes have lost their sharpness
You do not manipulate anymore
You believe it
Nobody tells YOU the truth anymore
You have succeeded
An advanced chapter in Orwell’s stories.
Nothing sympathetic left there
Hugs would just be waisted

So,
I hope the rats will eat you alive
I wish an umbrella will open in your stomach
Just jump from the Kremlin’s tower together with your family and “friends”
(but leave the dogs)
I hope you could give birth to a hedgehog
And while you do it – a bomb would blast in your ward
I wish you had a pancreatic cancer
Just pour hot tar over your head
I hope million mosquitos would bite you
And you would slowly bleed to death
I wish you borrowed Navalny’s underwear
Just put a gun on your mouth and shoot
I hope omicron would still come around to "hug" you
I wish you all the best!

Naistepäeval mõtlen armastusest.

Naistepäeval mõtlen armastusest. 

Kas armastus on naiselik?
Armastus on hellus ja hoolivus?
Samas, mehedki ju armastavad. Tean. Näinud.
Nagu yin jag yang – igaühes leidub mõlemat poolt.

Sõja ajal on teistmoodi armastada,
öelda: ”Ma armastan sind”
See tundub olulisem

See loob lootust

Armastus on ühtekuuluvustunne, 

Armastus on empaatia.

 
Öelda nii oma mehele, kes stressist kookus,
kuigi turvaliselt kodus ja tööl ja ühiskonnas
oma arvamust avaldamas ja
oma teadmisi jagamas ja
abiplaane välja haudumas.

Öelda nii oma lastele, kes hommikuti ei taha ärgata.
Ja iga rõõmsama sõnumi peale pettuvad,
et see sõnum polnud: ”Sõda on läbi”.

Söögilauale unustatud mustad sokid ei ärrita enam
sama moodi.
Lauamänge võin mängida,

raamatut ette lugeda
lõputult. Väsimata. 
Pahurdamise peale ei ärritu,
sest rahulikuks jääda on lihtsam.
Ärrituda tundub mõttetu
nende triviaalsete asjade peale.

Ärritus on üldse kuhugi tunnetevaka põhja ära kadunud. 

Ei mäletagi enam, mis see oli..

Sest on armastus.

Ja olulisim: armastus on mõtetes
Paljudes mõtetes. 

Kõigis mõtetes
Igas mõttes
Sugulastele
Sõpradele
Sõjasangaritele

Tahtmatult sõtta sattunuile  

Lastele, kes põgenevad kodust,
hea kui ema, vanaemagi kaasa saavad

Vanuritele, kelle kauaaegsed kodud lagunevad...

Nimekiri on pikk.

Ja isegi sellele kurjusehällile mõeldes

saates temalegi armastust,

Kuigi ega loota pole, et ta endas naiselikkust leiaks,

naiste päeval või mõnel muulgi päeval,

armastust leiaks.

Armastusele armastusega vastaks..  

Selline lootus on naiivne. 

Aga 

Ikkagi 

mõtetes saadan armastust

Sest sõja ajal on teistmoodi armastada. 

Armastus loob lootust. 

The wheel of stress

I know how it goes. 

First, you realize how much work there is to do

Then you tell me about it 

Then you cannot sleep properly

And you tell me about it

Then you need massage

And you tell me about it

Then you have a boring, waste-of-time meeting

Then you tell me about it

Then you need to work the whole weekend

And you tell me about it

And I go and spend the time with the kids elsewhere

Then you want to read me your text

And you read it to me

While I prepare lunch, clean, light the fire... 

Then you go to work in a café

And come back

And tell ma that the sink is not clean enough, the fire is not proper.. 

And that you have even more work to do

And then I get sad

And do not want to listen anymore

And my face go grey

And my eyes get soggy

You ask: what is happening, what is happening, what did I do?

And I just do cannot speak

There is a lump in my throat

And I just take my dog

And go for a walk

When I come back, I am calmer

But you have been panicking

And you are as cold as ice

Towards me

Because I ruined your evening

You are correct

I did

Unintentionally

And I am sorry

I knew it would happen. 

But you book a hotel-room

And escape

Because you cannot be around

And I feel lighter too

It is a good idea

Because, I love you

But sometimes it just gets too much

And grows over my head

See you in few days

And I will not ask you again about how are you doing

Because I cannot take in

All your problems

Without flipping out myself 

In the end

Place and community

It does not matter 
where you are
you are still
alone
It does not matter
who you know
you are still 
alone
It does not matter
where you move
you are still 
alone
It does not matter
who you see
you are still 
alone
It does not matter
where you go
you are still
alone
It does not matter
to whom you talk
you are still 
alone
It does not matter
where you imagine yourself
you are still
alone
It does not matter
to whom you text
you are still 
alone
It does not matter
if you are alone
you are anyway
awesome

Cannot let go

I will keep it
I will keep it to myself
I will keep it in my thoughts
I do not want to talk about it
I do not want to write about it
Absolutely not write about it
Maybe talk a little bit...

But nothing should be written. 
Nothing att all. 
Writing kills 
Writing takes it away from me
Writing makes it the property of others
It takes it away from me
But I am not ready to let go
It is mine
It is still only mine
My thoughts, my dreams, my comfort. 

Promises

There is something magical
With the New Years...

I think I am not superstitious
But still

The promises I give
During the new years
Are much easier to keep
Compared to
a regular Wednesday-promises
or Fridays
or Sundays
Whatever days

If I say:
- No more Sweets!
- No more drinking!
- No more nagging!
- More physical activity!
- Healthier food!
- Healthier life!

Then it feels
much easier to keep...

Even if I relapse the same evening....
It is still more serious
more real!

Or no?

Keep laughing, my daughter

Keep laughing your rolling laugh
Never lose it
Keep your eyes in tiny lines
and the wrinkles in their corners
Keep your dimples on your cheeks
Keep your teeth for us to see
Never lose it

I do not mind
that you play pranks on me
If it makes you laugh
I do not mind
that you are naughty 
If it makes you laugh

I do not mind
just do not lose it

Keep laughing, my daughter

Mold inside my head

there is mold inside my head

i have too many plans
that stay there
waiting and rotting
never get out
but never go away

they sit and wait
and grow mold on them
i do nto let them out
because

if i did
they would change me
and maybe make me
into a better person

but
maybe not

and
then they will be done so fast
and i would not have to think anymore
or dream
fantasize
about
how i fulfill them
one day
in the future

when?
never!

Prefabricated conversations

A Discovery when Learning languages

In some languages there are
Prefabricated conversation.

English
Swedish
....

If you do not reply as you should...
You are rude or dum or an immigrant.

The last Three mean the same.
It feels

Especially if you can show
that you, in fact, master the language
already in relatively high level.

So.
Learn the conversations
Even thoug
they are boring
and should be challanged
in all ways.

On the stage

Every day
I wake up
a Cold shower
clothes
coffee
shoes
bag
to the car

that is my initiation
to step up
to the STAGE

The stage
- my work
the stage
- the people I talk to
the stage
- my smile
the stage
- the texts I write
the stage
- my Comfort zone

I keep playing my role
I keep faking it
I keep performing

That I am intelligent
that I am sagacious
that I am fierce

every day
is a spectacle

I do NOT say - it is unpleasant
Not at all!

It is fun to fool
It is fun to pretend!

It is fun to observe my astonished audience

They have no idea...

Power of words

I would like to be able to master

the Craft

of Words

To be able to express myself

in this powerful and Beautiful way

fully

But anything I say

or write

sounds simple

too simple

too simplified

I do not know enough

synonyms

in any language

I cannot play with Words

that I have no knowledge

and my brain cannot digest

them all

Frustrative

Winter is in spring

Winter is here
finally

The evenings are so Cold
but our fireplace gives warmth
and it is nice

The mornings are Cold
and slippery
The Little cravel-road
Wakes me up
with a shock
every morning
when the car start sliding
towards the sides
and for a sec
I am not sure
if we are gonna make it
this time.

So far
so good.

It is Cold
all the time.
I do not mind
I do not mind.

But birds are singing
and the sun is shining
sometimes
with the intencity
of the spring.

I know.
Nothing lasts forewer.
So
Enjoy
The
Moment

Me ei uskunud
Aga sa ikkagi oled seal
Sa lamad seal
Kirstus

Su kirstu kõrval seisab su pere,
Vanad ja noored
Mõned liigagi noored
Lisaks kulmukaarele
Ja ninajoonele
On ka see neil viimastel ühine sinuga
Te olete selleks liiga noored

Ka meie seisame
Klimp kurgus ja silmad vesised
Mõtteteravus vajunud
halli uttu.

Me keegi ei usu,
Et sa nüüd kohe ei nihuta end
Ei keera end ringi
Sest kõhuli on ju mugavam
Magada
Või ei ärka, ei tõuse
Ja ei hakka sebima
Ei saada enam
Neid reede südaöiseid kirju
Põhisisuga: KIIRE

Aga sa ei hakka
Me ju teame seda
Kuigi ei taha
Uskuda

Nii me seisame
Ja otsime tuge
Vaatame läbi udu
Kuid südames on tänu
Et tulid
Olid
Inspireerisid
Õpetasid oma olekuga
Mõjutasid
Kasutasid
Ja andsid edasi ning tagasi
Intensiivselt
Ja ülevoolavalt
Ikka hingega kohal

Sina läksid aga meie jääme
Silmades kurbus hajub aeglaselt
Ja ebaühtlase kiirusega
Kuid siiski
Kui laulame su sõnu
Ja vaatame üksteisele silma
Ja südamesse
Ja homsesse
Mis tuleb ja tervitab
Ja kutsub edasi

Jäävad su naerulohud
Su pere naerulohkudeks
Su peopesad
Teistele pidulistele
Su mälestus
Meile kõigile

Oli au

Why am I here?

I just do not know.
How did I get here?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
Why is it good for?
Or even
Who am I?

I have higher education
but I am stupid.
I cannot speak properly
I can write even less
and it feels that
everyone thinks
I do not know things

And, in fact,
they are correct
I do not know
things here
because
I am not from here. 

I am starting to feel
that they might be right
more and more
So many things are new
that are so trivial
to them

I am in the group
and listen
and it is so tiring
to follow
all the time
what is going on.

but I know
that I have to
in order to
fit in
one day
and be accepted
and be able to work
and be able to achieve somethings
that would make my heart sing.

But it seems so far, so far
away.
And i am tired
so often.
Feel helpless
and stupid...

Also. When these thoughts come...
It would be so much easier to
not let them in.
Just continue
Carry on listening and reading
and talking and writing with mistakes
wishing that there will be less and less mistakes
in the future.

But. These thoughts come
and cripple me   
and do not go away
so easily.

I wish they did.

Expectations

Have confidence!
Be a good mother!
Be professional!
Take care of others!
Walk the dog!
Keep clean!
Make good healthy food!
Take care of yourself!
Be a good listener!
Participate in conversations!
Have good humor!
Be sharp in expressions!
Be helpful!
Know what you want!
Have focus!
Learn fast!
Be bright!
Be on time!
Look neat!

Again, have confidence!

It is too much...